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The fight of a lifetime.
All I did was type an idea on facedbook and now I’m in a closed down church basement breaking up a fight that emits clouds of “vile 80’s cologne.” These have to be the most fragrant guys ever to rumble. I knew I should have made that last minute stop to the “pinky ring emporium.”
It’s like the start of a bad joke. It goes like this “these two guys that smell the same get into a fight in a church basement.” Maybe it’s just the lost episode of the “Father Dowling Mysteries.” Tom Bosley himself would force regurgitation.
Things are boiling over. Iam intensified his anger and went “nose-to-nose” to Shill. Shill looked more confused than scared and Iam looked more insane than mad. Donny and I were on our way over to break it up when there was some sudden movement and a thud.
Iam was on his back on the ground looking up. Shill pulled the best “Bruce Lee in a three-piece” move I have ever seen. He literally lifted, twisted, spun, and catapulted Iam through the air to the ground in a single bound. The slicked hair was in place and he only needed a minor adjustment to gently tuck his tie back into the confines of his suit jacket. So his parents sprung for Jujitsu lessons, go figure. He impressed with his calm and collect, but mostly he was cool. Shill was cool? I must be hallucinating on old frankincense sediment. What is going to happen next? If Jim Morrison strolls in, I may have to call “Inside Edition.”
Our focus quickly settled on the ground in hopes of a positive medical “first opinion” on Iam. He looked in shock, didn’t blink, and for a few seconds there was a shared “great concern.” Then the first signs of life began. Iam dry heaved, coughed, and slowly rubbed his eyes. He kind of looked like he did too many sit-ups. Then his first words from the “kissing the canvas” conversation. “Fookin’ wicked Shill” said Iam. That was the coolest ‘fungule’ I have ever seen…. you impressed me man. We should do that again.” He sounded like a lightheaded kid who just got off “the scary theme park ride.” That convinced me that a psychological evaluation was definitely in order. Suddenly he sat up, smiled, and pointed at Shill “you kick ass, I love this guy!”
I was now the one in shock. The karate stylings of Shill notwithstanding, then Iam suddenly hit by some distorted Cupid’s arrow of blood brothers. Donny and I just stood there silent as Shill and Iam walked away arm in arm as sudden best friends. “Do you think they’ll invite us to the wedding” Donny said. “Only if it’s upstairs,” I replied. There was Jerry staring from the doorway. He almost missed what transpired.
He slowly walked over to us in a curious manner. ” This is absolutely nuts and I have to come back as this is a sign that this is going to work.” Jerry’s expression transformed from “conscientious objector” to “crazed introspective.” “Jerry what are you talking about?” Donny inquired. Jerry continued “that fight sequence is symbolic of his whole crazy vision. The guy has the money, enthusiasm, and balls to do whatever he wants, but he chooses Dom’s pie in the sky idea. In spite of impossible odds he backs everything up with results.” I have to stay and see what happens, are you with me?” I knew he had an epiphany. We were isolated in St. Leonard’s closed down church basement, and this is the second minor miracle I have witnesses in the last five minutes. If Donny freaks me out next, I may have to call an exorcist. “Jerry, when did you become saved?” I said it with a sarcastic tone and intention. “Dom, I know I didn’t want to be part of it or return, but I do feel like a changed man.”
“I do too,” I said ” you are freaking me out!” Just then Iam came back and had the same “crazed introspective” expression that I just got sideswiped with from Jerry. Donny was as white as a ghost. It was obvious that I was not the only one freaked out by the last seven minutes of my life. It made me feel a tad better, as I was upgraded to “disenchanted.”
Donny motioned for all to quiet and said, “before you say anything Iam, I need a necklace of garlic to ward off whatever the hell you guys are tripping on!” This was like one of those movie roles they gave Chevy Chase after he was funny. We all had the dumbest expressions on are face, two guys looked possessed, two looked like they sell Amway, and another guy was off in the distance adjusting his pinky ring. They just don’t prepare you for this shit in the Cub Scout handbook. Jerry and Iam looked a little too giddy for my liking. All I could think of was “if theses two a-holes ask me to join hands or pull out a ouija board I’m going to take my chances with “middle aged running away.” I clapped my hands a few times before I spoke thinking it may snap someone out of something or reverse the spell. No luck, there was only the euphoric sanctity of a “shamwow” testimonial.
I tried the best I could to utilize reason “look, you guys joked and ball busted all day, and now you have an epiphany? It’s hard believe.” “I want to do a few more songs,” Iam chimed hypnotic and quiet. “I am inspired and we should go up and play to see if this all is real.” Iam looked up at the sky “insane religious style” as if he were getting a metaphysical collect call from Pontius Pilot. I looked over at Iam annoyed “you need an MRI, ice pack, and to pee in a cup. You want me to call your wife and ask if your dosage is correct?” I started thinking “this is suppose to be a band, who will we attract for groupies, a couple of ambulance chasers?”
Uncharacteristically, Shill remained silent. He leaned against the stage, folded his arms, and took a deep breath. The deep breath among the silence really caught everyone’s attention. I knew at that moment that the third minor miracle was about to happen. I got in my “pre-miracle mode” which felt like “a gust of boogey man scared and having to pee.”
Shill softened his expression and voice “look I’m sorry for the way everything turned out. It was not intentional, but hey, it all worked out for the better. You tell me what you need and we will work it out to give this the best push we possibly can. What do you say guys?”
In from the cold, Joe walks back from packing his car “did I miss anything?”
Donny gave him the summary “there was a karate fight, a love scene, and nearly some full frontal nudity.” “I told you that guy needs some loving” Joe whispered.
In the last ten minutes I saw a different side of Shill, Jerry, and Iam. Maybe it wasn’t properly categorized as “miracle status” it felt more like “screwball.” As strange as it was, again something did feel uncomfortably “right” about it.
Donny broke the oddness of the moment and said he would be right back and walked outside. He quickly returned with a travel bag and opened it to the contents. He looked up, smiled and said “time for some shots guys, don’t say anything, just enjoy.” He pulled out a bottle, smiled and added “I only use this for special occasions.” He unveiled a bottle of “Sailor Jerry’s rum” and six shot glasses. After a few toasts I became a converted “believer” as well. I just shook my head. “Next time we get together, I’m bringing a body guard, life coach, and a body double. This is absolutely nuts.”
Shill reached over and filled the shot glasses one more time and signaled to “raise them up.” He stood proud, yet looked like a rejected understudy from the “Godfather 3.” “Here is to you, your time was well spent, raise your glass for your great new band ‘onion dent’.”
“Onion Dent?” The “believers” blank expression signaled a hard “landing on earth.” Joe leaned over to me and asked “onion dent, what is that, another name for butthole?” “It might be Joe,… it just might be.”
Copyright © 2010 Domenick Cassise. All rights Reserved Worldwide.
(check back for more installments that continue the story)
Onion Dent is a work of fiction and any similarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.