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The homicide of a lifetime
People don’t vote when it rains. I heard it on the radio and thought of all the political addicts who spew their strong views and debate politics in bars, malls, and restaurants across the USA. They listen to the talk radio personality that nationally airs the same opinions, put candidates bumper stickers on the car, and send blanket political e-mails that express their extreme viewpoint. They spend every day of their lives engaged in politics just to sit on the sidelines on a rainy Election Day. Their voter message is “I support you all the way, depending on the acu-weather forecast.” People are crazy.
Speaking of crazy, the press is portraying Donny as a crazed psychopath who is accused of killing a sweet, innocent, elderly visiting nurse. I guess they never had the distinct pleasure to meet sweet Zelda. She is fondly being remembered in one of the worst cases of yellow journalism the press has ever delivered. The written descriptions of her being “loving, caring, and a true humanitarian” conflict with my vivid memory of her angrily stemming the middle finger toward Joe and calling him mini-dick.”
That’s not to say Joe didn’t rise to the occasion in making her feel “warm and fuzzy” before she turned “cold and stiff.” Speaking of stiff, we have a meeting with our manager, Shill. He has masterminded a brilliant plan to get us together in a secret location as the press is hounding us for comments. We arrived unnoticed and disguised as we are transported in an indiscrete cargo van to a cabin in the woods to discuss the facts. We spend the trip in Onion Dent conversation. “Nicole, no fashion stops for an extreme makeover, no pee breaks, did you pack the turkey baster?”
“What is that stink?” “It’s Jerry, he isn’t holding anything in on this trip, open a window!” “It wasn’t me, it was Joe, didn’t you see him finish the leftover rigatoni and braciole?” “Pass Joe the beano and I’ll take an oxygen mask.” “Now I really miss Donny, this van smells just like his bachelor pad!”
The driver opens up the door for us and we shuffle in. It’s a nice cabin that has the ambiance and warmth of a “Leave it to Beaver” Boy Scout fishing trip episode. “Can we try to catch a “mess o’ catfish” when Scoutmaster Shill arrives.” “The way he mounted Donny in the hospital, I don’t want any of you to let me alone with that guy.” “He’s the kind of guy who teaches you how to tie a slip knot and then tries to slip you the tongue.” “He teaches you grooming techniques by having you tuck his shirt in, then he asks you to guess his religion!”
We sat down and waited for Shill as we discussed “Donny the accused murderer.”
“I wonder if he killed her by asphyxiation or the lethal ass fumes did her in.” “Isn’t that the same thing?”
“She probably had him by bird’s nest and squeezed it like it was a stress ball. “Maybe she had to use some Ajax to clean his white walls. “Do you think she might have talked to him, like she talked to Joe, and he just killed the old bag?”
Shill walked in and passed out coffee and bagels. He sat at the head of the table with hands folded in front of him, cologne filling the air, and produced a prolonged exhale before speaking.
“Here’s the scoop.” Dr. Meat is not a doctor. He practiced medicine as part of this complicated scheme of altered files and a complex illegal drug operation. It was widespread and involved hospital administration, a metropolitan drug ring, and the local government.
He was treating Donny with some fabricated LSD laced with other ancillary compounds and ingredients. Donny didn’t kill Zelda, she was dipping into his prescription stash and her heart failed.”
“Do you have all that?” “Yeah all except for one part.” What part was that?” “The part after here’s your coffee.” Joe does it again.
So when did Zelda croak? Iam inquired
“She died while bathing Donny. She was found next to him on the floor as he slept naked on his stomach with the washcloth still on his bottom.
I deducted “when the authorities walked in and found the wash cloth wedged between Donny’s ass cheeks and Zelda dead on the floor, did they rule it a suicide?” “Is it true her famous last words were “P you?” “When they pulled out the washcloth did the sound make everyone shout Happy New Year!”
Shill continued “here’s what happened. She dipped into Donny’s medications and took a lethal amount, enough for her heart to give out and died shortly after that.” “Who called emergency services?” “She had a medical alert device that she must have pushed before dying and that summoned the medical emergency unit. The EMT’s called the cops and the rest followed.”
“What a crime scene, a Farah Faucet wig, the air filled with proctologist potpourri, and Donny’s moon rising over the end tables.” “The captain called the precinct, “we’re gonna need another case of outline chalk and a mop!”
“Could you send over some tweezers, witch hazel, pipe cleaners, and don’t ask any questions corporal!” “The detective said, it’s an open and shut case, this was an obvious failed attempt at a circus act!”
“You know, we should take some fingerprints of Donny’s ass cheeks just to rule out any foul play!” “Or if it went into extra innings!”
Shill just walked out to his car talking to himself again. We just kept on laughing.
Donny had to recuperate and detox before we could make any definitive plans.
The true story was spelled out in the press the next day, Donny was cleared of all charges, and Shill ran with the publicity to work on packing a larger arena for the Donny comeback show with Iian Hunter.”
We go to visit Donny once again. The poor guy has had a rough month and a half. We enter the hospital where he has been recuperating for the past ten days. It was a pleasure to see him smile and comforting not to see him in his hanging down undies. We all give him a big hello. After making sure he was happy and well, Jerry made him feel right at home.
“You are lucky we didn’t find you with Zelda before the police. They would have found you two in the missionary position with you wearing the wig and nurses cap.”
Donny chimed in for the first time in a long while “you know I never pass up on getting some action!”
Joe pointer his finger “Donny, you really have me pissed off.” “Why?”
“We are the only band in the history of music that has a band mate on a two week acid trip who didn’t even write one song!”
We all shared a laugh and enjoyed a pleasant visit.
Donny had a few things on his mind. “Hey, I want to apologize to all of you for what I may have said when I was under the influence, I heard it was some pretty nasty stuff. Iam replied “it wasn’t too bad, except when you asked Jerry and I to join you on your recliner for some three-way action. On a positive note, “you did a wonderfully touching undies slow dance with Joe on “three times a lady.”
Donny added, “I hope I didn’t do anything too obnoxious or disgusting.”
“No you were fine, although you may want to throw out your wind chimes when you get home.”
The next order of business was to get Donny on his feet and prepare for the first rehearsal with Iian Hunter.
I remember Iian Hunter as the singer/songwriter of the band Lop Off.
I checked out some of his recent concert clips online, and to answer Jerry’s question, he still can “bring it.” He performed all of his classic hits “doing it, “doing it with two” “doing it with three” “doing it with the lights out” and his biggest hit “doing your taxes.” He has a reputation for strong introspective lyrical content and extensive knowledge of advanced managerial accounting.
My mind envisions the first meeting of our band with a rock legend and the nausea begins. I know one thing about Onion Dent; no one will give a shit that Iian Hunter is in the room. We won’t “kiss-his ass” or pander to his “rock royalty” status. We are also the biggest bunch of ball-busters who ever walked the face of the earth. It only means one thing; this could be a disaster.
We get together in preparation of the first rehearsal to the big show. Shill certainly did his job and rescheduled the show to a much larger civic arena as he made good on his promise to capitalize on the press coverage. Donny isn’t happy that we return to New Jersey, but that is where his popularity shines. The show is already sold out and the triumphant return of Donny is what the people want to see. Iian Hunter not only has to put up with his new ball crushing backup band, but also has to take a back seat to the emotionally compelling story of the damaged and abused drummer who dramatically returns to the stage.
I thought I would attempt an appeal to the band to rise to the occasion. “Listen, try to be on your best behavior when we meet Iian Hunter. Iam made his point “why, they want to see us, we are helping his career.” Jerry was next “I agree, he is old news and we are coming into our own.” “He can kiss my sweet arse, I am not going to take any crap, I’m also on a mission to find out if that’s his real hair.”
I decided to ask what was jarring my brain. “This is going to be a disaster isn’t it?” Nicole summed it up “if Mr. Hunter doesn’t play by our rules it will be.” The band nodded in agreement with stern conviction. “That’s what I was afraid of, this is going to get ugly.”
Copyright © 2010 Domenick Cassise. All rights Reserved Worldwide.
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Onion Dent is a work of fiction and any similarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.